Rumpelstiltskin: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Emma!
Emma: Missed doing that did you?
Rumpelstiltskin: You have NO idea.
*Sort of missed it too but doesn’t want Rumpelstiltskin to know it*
Ruby: It’s not easy being married to Jefferson, alright? Sure he’s sweet and adorable in a…unsettling EXTREMELY creepy way but His room’s ceiling and walls are made entirely out of mirrors!
King George: So…your friends…who love you….wouldn’t want something BAD and UNSETTLING to happen to them because of you…would we?
Charming: *Is oblivious*
King George: I’m twirling my invisible mustache now.
Ruby: The wolf killed him! It was MMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *Chokes* *Coughs* *Wheezes* *Breathes in* EEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Jefferson: *Is in love* I told you once that I accept your wolf side, Ruby. You’re ability to have your family and love interests die around you is a small price to pay for our future children being as pretty and awesome as I plan them to be. Also because you make me extremely happy.
Red: *Shy Giggles*
Jefferson: *Shy Giggles*
Charming: I shall guard this necklace with my life!
*Is obliviously happy*
Rumpelstiltskin: Twenty bucks says breaking that necklace the first thing he does.
Regina: Double or nothing says he does it in the first ten minutes.
Granny: Aw, so you’re dating other women to make me jealous, are you?
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh Granny, the love we share together will NEVER be replaced.
Rumpelstiltskin: *Actual Dialogue* I have a complicated relationship with her….as I do most people *Not actual dialogue* And by ‘people’, I mean women.
Author: I KNEW IT!
Belle: *Is not amused* What do you mean by ‘complicated’
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh there was going to dating, seduction…lots of nudity…
Rumpelstiltskin: And ketchup was DEFINITELY going to be involved.
Belle: *Is almost seduced* Oh….my!
Snow: NO ONE MOVE! This thing is talking to me!
Emma: Uh….you talk to birds? How come we can’t just use your animal influence to spy on Cora?
Snow: I’m fluent in ALL animal languages! It was taught at the castle!
Emma: *Is EXTREMELY glad she missed out on her princess childhood*
Rumpelstiltskin: Once upon a time there was this magically sexy better-than-everyone imp that no one understood and they tricked the poor sweet misunderstood imp and put him in a cell to rot because SOMEONE…not saying who (Cinderella) couldn’t read a contract. And so the poor sweet-
Regina: *Is exasperated*
Charming: You were a manipulative jerk who played puppet master, Rumpelstiltskin.
Rumpelstiltskin: Shut up, Charming! YOU’RE not telling the story!
Regina: It’s time for your daily torture of me smirking Belle! Oh….sorry Belle, I didn’t know you had SMEXY company!
Hook: *Is annoyed* Fetch me a brush; we are going to do SOMETHING about your hair.
Aurora: So…someone had a crush….
*Good to know that Rumpelstiltskin took the time to make the squiggles all pretty*
Emma: Dear heaven…Rumpel’s a preteen GIRL!
Cora: You reached into my chest and tried to pull out my heart! This, in Wonderland law, makes us mated for life!